Safety - the BDSM Watchword
Safe, sane and consensual. These words are the mantra of the BDSM community. You hear them over and over again. Here we will do our best to address the issues of safe play. Of course, not every issue can be addressed, and the mental aspect is too in-depth for us to go into here. We hope these tools will help in your growth and education.
Safe Sex and Safe Play
Safe sex is a must, not only from an HIV point of view. Generally speaking, an erotic power exchange scene is not more dangerous than any other form of sex, provided you take sufficient precautions.
Condoms
Always use a condom when penetrating, either vaginally or anally. Using condoms when having oral sex is generally advised (you can buy mint or menthol flavored condoms for this purpose). This may sound silly, but if you have never bought condoms before, please avoid the vending machines in dance clubs, bars, etc. The problem is that you never know how old the condoms are when you buy them. A condom with an expired maximum vending date is unsafe to use. Do use condoms when penetrating with vibrators, dildos or other toys. When in scene, it is very possible your toys will lay about and attract dust and germs. Using condoms on your toys will keep them in a better condition as well and makes them easier to clean afterwards. Some women will show allergic reactions to the lubricant that is standard on most condoms. If you are not sure, buy non-lubricated condoms with a separate, water based lubricant.
Dental Dams
It is a must to use dental dams when rimming (licking the outside anal area) and it is generally advised for oral-vaginal contact. Outside the USA, dental dams are sometimes hard to get. Contact a Center for Information about Sexually Transmitted Diseases for addresses.
Gloves
Gloves will protect yourself and your partner from all sorts of things. When penetrating either the vagina or anus, wear gloves. Especially when you are fisting (including vaginal fisting).
Lubricant
Lubricant makes it easier to penetrate, both vaginally and anally. Buy only water based lubricants. Oil based lubricants will ruin your condoms and other protective gear in seconds (this goes for your valuable latex clothing as well!!). Be aware of the fact that massage oil, baby oil and butter will have the same effect on latex. Some lubricants content Nonoxynol 9. Some women have allergic reactions to this. If you want to be on the safe side, buy a lubricant without it. On the other hand, Nonoxynol 9 makes it a lot more difficult for the HIV virus to survive.
HIV Risks
All the general stuff about HIV infection (direct blood and sperm contact) of course goes for erotic power exchange as well. Take extra precautions when you are whipping and (accidentally) draw blood or when you are into needle play. Nipple clamps sometimes may cause bleeding of the nipples, especially while your sub is having her period. Intense stimulation of the nipples - clamps, binding and piercing(!!) - may incidentally cause the nipple to lactate slightly. Even some men will start to produce small amounts of lactate sometimes! Lactate may very well contain the HIV virus. Extra precautions should, of course, be taken if you are into edge play situations.
Other Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD's)
Alternative sexual games open new possibilities for STD infection. Most of these are caused by viruses and are easy to catch if you allow them to enter a body opening (sex organ, mouth or small wound). We will give some short descriptions here:
Viral Infections
Hepatitis is an inflammation of the liver. There are different forms (A and B are the most common), caused by a virus. Symptoms may vary from relatively harmless flu type reactions to fatal liver diseases.
Herpes (also around in different forms) causes small fluid filled blisters. It is a virus. The blistering will not be triggered by the disease but by external factors like exposure to the sun, emotional stress or another illness or fever. The blisters may appear on and around the mouth, the genitals or other parts of the body, depending on the type. Herpes is not fatal, but may cause complications with other infections and sometimes can be painful. Herpes simplex, that may cause blisters on the mouth and/or genitals, cannot yet be cured.
Syphilis in modern society is rare, but still around. It is caused by an organism and causes swellings on the body that will leave a scar after healing. Unrecognized syphilis will eventually ruin the vascular and nervous systems and cause death.
Genital Warts (small swellings in and around the genitals) are caused by a virus. They may cause the development of cervix cancer and should be taken seriously. They need early and repeated treatment.
Bacteria
Gonorrhoea has been around for ages and still is. It may cause sterility (men) or inflammation of the Fallopian tube (women). An infected woman may pass it on to the eyes of a newborn child when the infection occurs during pregnancy.
Chlamydial and Ureaplasmal Infections are the most common group of STD's. They are likely to cause all sorts of diseases. Treatment and interruption of sexual contacts is advised. This group spreads easily and rapidly. Having dirty hands or fingernails when penetrating or dirty toys are the most common causes.
We have mentioned only the most common STD's here, there are a lot more around. When in doubt, always check with your doctor. You may be embarrassed about it. This is only natural and the doctor will understand this. Remember, it may the first time you are confronted with STD, but the doctor has seen it all before. Not seeing the doctor in almost all cases leads to trouble.
Toy Transmitters
Most of the STD's will not go away by themselves and some are nasty and persistent. Some BDSM techniques may be responsible for transmitting STDs. Unprotected toys are the most common transmitter of bacteria and are likely to cause one of the infections, mentioned above. Even if it has just been laying around for a while it may have picked up bacteria. When you penetrate, always use a condom and do not forget your wonderful penis-shaped whip grip.
Bondage Ropes, when used in the genital area, are another transmitter of disease. The general advice is to wash your ropes regularly, disinfect them and reserve marked ropes for these areas. When just hanging on the wall and not being used for some time germs and bacteria may find a nice nest inside your bondage ropes. Nipple clamps are another well known toy in this area. Again regularly clean and disinfect them.
Leather is a living material and germs and bacteria will nest in it, especially if these toys have not been used for some time.
Whipping causes the small veins in the skin to open up and send blood to the whipped area. This creates an expressway for viruses and bacteria to infiltrate the body and not only the STD-related ones. You should be aware of this phenomena, especially when whipping the genital area. Extra attention to hygiene and regular cleaning and disinfecting of whips is required.
First Aid Kit
This entire section may scare you a bit. There is no need for that, but it is always advisable to be aware of possible risks and to take precautions when necessary. This goes for having a first aid kit around as well. Mishaps always occur. Any general first aid kit will do, with two extras: first of all a pair of bandage scissors. These will enable you to quickly and safely cut ropes and even leather straps when you need to. Bandage scissors avoid harming your partner unintentionally. Next to this it is handy to have freeze spray (or cold spray) around for muscle treatment (makes a wonderful toy as well).
Offline/Online BDSM Safety
For as long as BDSM has been around, safety has been one of the biggest issues and concerns. There are so many steps that can be taken and so many issues to be addressed that it can be a bit overwhelming.
Online D/S
Even in the relative safety of the online world, there is danger. For all new Doms and subs alike, here are a few standard rules to make your transition into online D/s a safer, happier one.
- You do not have to answer ever private messages that you get. Should you get one that is vulgar, rude or harassing, simply use the cancel button. Even if you are a new sub and the IM is from an "online Dominant", no one has to take abuse.
- Do some reading ! The fact that you're here is a good start ! But there are many good books about D/s on the market. Doing your homework can really pay off.
- When you make your first few forays into the chat rooms, don't announce in the open channel or room who you are and what you're looking for. That is a magnet for anyone out there looking for quick and easy cyber-sex. If you're seriously looking for friends, contacts and possible partners, be discreet. Read profiles, if they are available, or do a "whois" if you're using IRC. Message respectfully to people who interest you. Make polite conversation in the channel/room. Show respect, and you'll earn it in kind.
There are lots of rooms and channels in which to find like minded people. On IRC, rooms that contain the words "Dom", "sub", or "Chateau" are good places to start. On FetLife it's suggest you make a sockpuppet profile at first to see what types of reactions you're going to get from others and if people are just there to hit on you or to see if you meet some decent ones. Once you get a feel for what your profile is going to bring to you you'll know how to best edit it and put it together to get the kind of contacts you want. - NEVER give your real name, phone number, credit card information to any other personal information to ANYONE you've just begun to talk to online. Get to know someone over time before revealing anything of importance !! First names are sufficient in the beginning.
- When approached by a potential partner, ask questions !! Get to know the person as well as online will allow, and then very discreetly, ask around for references about that person. Please heed any warnings you may receive about an individual, but be sure you ask for more than one opinion. If you cannot find anyone online who will vouch for this potential partner either way, please proceed very slowly. Remember that online is no different than real life. Make them earn your trust.
- Always be aware that this form of communication harbors unsavory characters, just as any other. And also be aware that people may not always be who they appear, or claim to be. If you proceed at a cautious rate, you'll save yourself some possible heartache down the road.
- PHONE CALLS: If someone wishes to speak with you, and you aren't entirely trusting of the yet, offer to call them instead of giving your number out. You can disable any possible Caller-ID function they have by punching in the disable code (check your phone book information pages, or call your phone company). Keep your first conversation brief and friendly. If you still harbor doubts at the end of this, continue to call them. Never go against your instincts - they are your most valuable resource. If they demand your number and you've respectfully and repeatedly told them no, perhaps it's time to close that particular door.
- Even if you live close to someone you meet online, it's not a good idea to move into meeting them too quickly. Take your time in getting to know them, speak several times on the phone, and if you do agree to meet, set it up at a public place, and take a friend along. A serious potential partner won't mind.
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First Time Meetings
There are many ways to meet potential D/s partners. FetLife, Collarspace, and classified ads are only three of these ways. First time meetings always require a little extra security and safety. Here are some simple rules for those awkward first encounters.
- Always set the meeting up well in advance, so that you have time to arrange a sufficient safety net. (This goes for Doms and subs alike.) If you are traveling, make reservations at a motel, but do NOT let the person you're meeting know where you'll be staying.
- Arrange to meet for the first time during the daylight hours in a public place, such as a mall or a restaurant. Always park your car a distance away, so that if the meeting goes badly, you cannot be followed away. Another good idea is to take a cab to this first meeting.
- Do not plan to play during your initial meeting. You should have plenty to discuss, without sex or D/s play entering into the equation.
- Think about taking along a friend. A serious potential partner won't feel intimidated.
- SAFE CALLS: There are many ideas out there about how safe calls should be done, but I'll only offer you my humble opinion, and what has worked for me in the past. Let 2 friends, preferably local to where you'll be meeting, know your complete schedule. Give them the full name of the person you'll be meeting, their phone number and a brief physical description. You can even go so far as to give them the make, model and plate number of the car your date will be driving. Make sure that your friends have an accurate description of you, as well, and the phone number of the local police. Arrange to call these 2 friends immediately after you've met your date. Give them a key word beforehand, that you can say if you need to get away from your date - for example, you could say that everything is great if you need help, or that everything is wonderful if you're okay. Your safe calls should arrange to come get you, or give you some sort of out if you use your keyword. If you'll be spending more than a few hours with your date, it's a good idea to call your safe calls every few hours, at least at first. Also have a keyphrase to call them with when the date is over and you know you're safe. Something totally silly like "the sky is quite purple today" so they know you're truly away and safe.
- Be honest with your date. If you feel, after this first meeting, that this person is not someone you want to be involved with, be honest and up-front about that. It's not necessarily a good idea to do this at your first meeting. Go home, sleep on it. And then arrange to speak to this person the next day. Remember, your instincts are your most valuable resource.
- Have a good time. Be yourself. But most importantly, be SAFE and be HONEST - with your date, and with yourself.
First Scene Safety
It's always a good idea to get to know someone very well before committing yourself to play time. It's also a good idea to think long and hard about what you expect, and then lay that out for the other person clearly beforehand. It's also a good idea to list out your limits (yes, Doms have limits, too !!) And exchange them well in advance of your first scene.
SAFE CALLS: See above. If you plan to play at your new partner's home, make sure your safe call has the address, the phone number and a clear map and directions to the home. If you plan to play at your home, do NOT turn off your phone, and make sure you have the number of the ambulance, local police and a contact posted by each phone, in case of any emergency. Secure any valuables before your partner arrives. If you plan to play at a motel, or a third parties's home, make sure your safe call knows exactly where you'll be. If in a motel, make sure they have the room number, and the name the room is registered under. It's also a good idea to keep your keys and purse or wallet by the door, so you can grab them quickly if need be.
It's a good idea to keep your first scene light. I do not recommend bondage, gags or extreme pain for your first scene with a new partner. There's plenty of other activities you can use to get to know each other's likes and dislikes. Besides, if it works out, you'll want to save something for later.
SAFEWORDS: You should chose and discuss safewords and/or actions well in advance of your first meeting. My recommendations are something very simple, such as yellow' for slow down, and red' for stop. Never play around with these words - they are your protection, and your safety net, and should only be used when you mean them.
SAFE SEX: I don't think anyone needs to be reminded about this, but I'll throw it in anyway. Both parties should posses condoms, in case one forgets. It only takes a few seconds to slip on a condom. It's takes a long and painful time to die of AIDS.
If, at any point, either party is feeling uncomfortable, S T O P !!!!! Dress. Talk. And then talk some more. It takes a lot of trust to have a meaningful D/s relationship. Take the time to build that foundation.
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Emotional Safety
No, pain is not all physical. Sometimes, it's in your head and your heart as well, and sometimes, those scars are the hardest to heal. Here are some tips to lessen your chances of getting them in the first place.
Be honest. With yourself. With prospective partners. Never be ashamed to admit you don't know something, or to ask questions. If you're looking for 24/7, don't tell someone you only want to play. If you're looking for love and romance, be up-front about it. If you are dishonest about what you want, it's not only you who could get hurt in the long run.
Never reveal too much about your personal life to anyone on-line. There are too many people who'll use your heartaches and problems for hot IM gossip.
If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Your instincts, once again, are your greatest gift and resource. Use them, and listen to them.
Heed warnings. If you're told by more than one person that a prospective partner could be trouble, LISTEN. Take into account that it's someone else's opinion of someone you're getting to know, but always listen, and openly ask your partner about what you hear. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide if you believe everything you hear, but always hear what someone is trying to tell you, and always, check it out.
If a prospective partner asks you not to ask anyone else online about them, ask yourself why. Then ask them why. And if you can't come up with any satisfactory answers, either walk away, or proceed with EXTREME caution.
If a prospective partner is hesitant with personal information after you've already given yours, then take it as a warning. FIND OUT WHY.
Don't get dragged into online gossip. It may be fun for awhile, but eventually it will only come back to haunt you. There are people online who have nothing better to do. Don't become one of them.
Think for yourself. Trust yourself. Be honest with yourself. And above all, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
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Fireplay Safety
Me Dom, you sub...don't forget fire is as dangerous as back then... Many people tend to forget the basics about fire safety when they do fireplay, probably because of the illusion of control Doms have while scening. So...for starters, we need to remember that we have to have the basic firefighting equipment ready...a fire extinguisher or, at the very least, a good couple of buckets of water; sand is also very good at firefighting.
We should also remember not to have any flammable objects near the area were we are playing with fire...be smart enough and don't try to do fireplay with the subbie tied to the bed, k? Unless you want barbecued subbie, that is :)
Mosquito netting is also a hazard in this kind of scene...it burns fast, sticks to other objects (including skin) and it's very hard to put out the fire on it once it's started. Also, make sure that if you are gonna tie your subbie down, you have a pair of surgical scissors (the kind with blunt tips but sharp as knifes) handy, to cut her loose in case you need to...subs are worth more than rope, no matter how expensive the rope is :)
I don't recommend locks being mixed with fireplay, it takes a long time to get the damn things off when you are in a hurry; so, if you like bondage mixed with your fireplay, please only use ropes and keep the scissors handy!
Now, one more thing people tend to forget when doing fireplay....hair doesn't only smell bad when it burns...it burns FAST as hell...so...be careful with the hair...pull it up and out of the way, cover it with a wet bathcap or something like that, and make sure that whatever you use to start up your fire doesn't get too near her neck.
Another important thing some of us forget is about the kind of chemicals we use to make the fire. I found once a sub who's skin was sensitive to something in the alcohol I normally use for fireplay, and she had an ugly rash for a week :/ So, be careful with the stuff you use for your fireplay, make sure you know what allergies your sub has before applying any chemical to her skin that has the potential of triggering an allergy.
The important part of fireplay safety is to always remember that fire IS a very dangerous foe, and if it gets out of your control, it's better to call the fire station and have to explain what happened than dieing in a charcoal house...this is specially important in places where houses are mostly made out of wood, like in the US...houses burn down fast.
Bloodplay Safety
Safe scening, or, how to do crazy stuff and then do it again tomorrow...
When we talk about bloodplay, most people (especially those people who are new to the lifestyle) tend to think it's crazy and totally wacko...and they are probably right :) Bloodplay is one of the most extreme kinds of play...not for everybody...but some of us like living on the edge, and bloodplay is that :)
Most people see bloodplay only as the kind of stuff we do with knifes, but that isn't all of it...there's also play piercing (also called temporary piercing) which is very much like permanent piercing, but done with thinner needles, and you don't leave anything in the hole, so it can close up with time :) There's also the use of scalpels for decorative cutting and fire cupping sometimes also referred to as blood cupping.
As for safety...well...it's pretty obvious that this kind of play can lead to infections and any other problems related to getting cut with anything, be it accidental or on purpose (as in bloodplay :) so...we need to follow some basic points in order to be safe. Here are some of the very important points but I we highly suggest taking a blood class or two or three before trying this for youserlf.
Always clean the skin before you do any sort of cutting, play piercing, etc. Most of us that play with blood prefer the use of Technicare to clean the skin. You can also use Hibistat, Hibicleanse, Green Soap or any other hospital grade skin cleaning agent. For smaller cuttings/piercings alcohol works as well.
It is VERY important that you take VERY good care of the toys you use for bloodplay...don't just grab a kitchen knife and cut/scratch your subbie with it, or grab one of the needles she uses to sew your buttons and pierce her with it...that's the easiest way to get her an infection. It's very important that you choose a good knife for play, with a good stainless steel blade, preferably sharp (how sharp depends on your likes and the likes of the sub...but the sharper the knife, the less chance of scarring there is) and that you don't EVER use that knife for anything else. The knife should stay in it's sheath or wherever you keep it until the moment you use it...is not smart to cut a subbie's thigh with a knife that's full of dust or coffee, you know? :)
Another thing that I have used for bloodplay is razor blades, of the disposable kind...those are EXTREMELY sharp (heard of the expression "razor sharp knife"? :) and usually there's no scarring once the cuts heal, so it's good for those players who don't want to scar the pretty skin of their slaves. Now...you are not just gonna take the knife or razor blade out of it's pack and use it on your girl...we need to make sure it is not gonna cause an infection, so...short of sterilizing it with gas or any other medical means (I DO have an autoclave) and sterilize my bloodplay toys there) you can just wash the knife very well with water and soap, then submerge it in medical-quality alcohol for a couple of hours...that should get rid of most of the things that can be in it. Some people recommend lighting the blade once you get it out of the alcohol, to make sure. Once you are done with the two hours in alcohol, let the knife dry or wipe it dry with a sterile cloth (to sterilize cloths is easy...get your pressure cooker, put water in it, then a grill of some kind that keeps the cloths away from the water AND the bottom of the cooker, then the cloths on top of that...an hour or so later, it is sterile :) and you have a knife ready for bloodplay :) You can just leave the knife wrapped inside the sterile cloth until you need it.
As for the actual play...well...the important things are: Stay away from main arteries and vessels, which means, cut only on places that have a thick muscle/fat/flesh padding, like butt, breasts, hips. Some players (like me) like to use knifes on inner thighs and on the back of our subbies...but if you don't know your anatomy well, don't go there...there's 2 main arteries that run on the inner thighs, close to the surface, and you have to know were they are, so you don't cut them and bleed your subbie to death or have to explain the doctors how did she get cut like that :)
It's also important that you make sure you don't cut deep, unless you want to leave scars...the deeper and wider the cut (the sharper the blade, the thinner the cut) the more chance of scarring there is...but it changes with every person, so ask and experiment...don't cut on places that will be visible if she doesn't want scars and you don't know how easily she'll get a scar.
Once you are done with the play, do as you usually do with a cut...wash all the cuts you did with water and soap (I know, it hurts..but it's part of the fun for some of us :) and then put a disinfectant on the cuts. It can be alcohol or whatever you or your subbie usually use. If the cuts are long, you can use some kind of tape (there's some medical tape that they sell in pharmacies which is made just for this) and cut it into the small "bowties" you see in medical TV shows, and use them to keep the cut close...it will heal faster that way, and also the chance for scarring diminishes if you keep the cut closed up. BTW, I recommend using some kind of plastic sheet to set your subbie on when you do bloodplay...blood stains aren't easy to get rid off, and people will wonder if they see them :)
As for play or temporary piercing, I think the same rules apply, except, in some ways, it's easier to be safe with this. Instead of having a single knife and having to sterilize it whenever you use it, you can just buy sterile medical needles (yes, the ones use for injections) and use those for ONE scene and then throw them away. When doing play piercings, I prefer to swab the area with medical alcohol before starting the piercing, that way I make sure I won't be pushing any germs/dirt into her flesh with the needle (yes, even if she just took a shower...dust is in the air).
My preferred needle is the one that is used by diabetics to inject the insulin (you can ask for them like that "insulin needles") since they are very thin and also short, giving me a good control over them. You can use a syringe to have better control of your needle, just make sure you take the plunger (the part that you use to push medicine with) out of the syringe before playing...air isn't meant to go under the skin.
As with knives, make sure you stay away from main arteries and blood vessels, unless you do want some heavy bleeding to happen. With piercings there's the advantage that once the needle is pulled out (at least with thin needles) the bleeding stops almost immediately, so you can keep control of that kind of stuff, if you like heavier bleedings. Just remember to check with a doctor (you don't need to tell him why you need the info, just tell him it's a trivia question in a magazine or something like that :) as of how much blood can a person of a certain weight (your sub's weight :) lose without a problem. (I personally don't like heavy bleedings, but I know some people who do).
Again, once you are done playing with this, throw the needles and syringes away, wash the pierced areas with water and soap and then rub it with alcohol or any other disinfectant you prefer.
Violet Wand Safety
Test the intensity setting on yourself first
Do not use near eyes
Remove contact lenses and glasses so that charge does not arc to them if you will be using the wand near the face
Remember that the violet ray will arc to metal. While that is often the desired effect, such as when used with body piercings, when used at its highest setting for a period of time it may cause surface burns to the skin where metal conducts the charge. It will also give a warming sensation to the piercings.
Do not use on anyone with a history of heart disease or nerve damage. Even though violet wands use static small particle electricity, it might still be possible for static electricity to disrupt electrical impulses of the heart that are already unstable.
Like all electrical devices, do not use near water.
If you are accustomed to new manufactured wands, remember that vintage wands are often more powerful. Dampen your play with a vintage wand until you are comfortable with the increased output.
Where it is necessary to use an extension cord, just make sure it is heavier than the wand electrical supply cord and no longer than needed.
As with all electrical toys, it is a good idea not to cross the baseline of the body. Work on one side of the body at a time, especially when using a body contact probe. Or use only one hand at a time on your subject. While this is far less vital with violet wand electricity, it is still a good habit to maintain.
Metal attachments present a slightly higher risk than glass electrodes. Glass electrodes protect against any possibility that electricity could arc from line current and travel directly through the wand to the subject. With metal attachments, this can happen in theory and is possible; however, there has not been a documented instance of this occuring in 70 years of wand history, so it is not probable. If you want to further guard against the unlikely occurance of this happening when you are playing with metal attachments, you could purchase an inexpensive Ground Fault Circuit Interrupter at a hardware store.
Don't use the wand too long on any one area. Redness (just like any good flogging) is common and fades in a few days, but overuse on one area can cause what is essentially a sunburn. (unless of course, that's your intent)
The sparks from a violet wand will ignite flammable liquids. In some cases that could be the desired effect, as in violet wand fireplay.
While some new wands are able to run for indefinite periods of time, we are of the opinion that no person should be zapped with electricity for more than 15 continuous minutes at a single time, until it is known how they are affected.
Some new violet wands are approved for use on the human body by the FDA while others are not. Those approved by the FDA for use on the human body may be used above the waist, even on the head and face.
An extended numbness or over-excitation of the nerves may occur with some people. If someone experiences numbness or tingling in areas on which the violet wand was used, which does not go away within 1-2 days, they should not have the wand used on them again. This does not include normal soreness or sensitivity.
We now know that violet wand electricity does enter the body, and though research is ongoing, little is known about how it travels. Any unusual or unexpected occurrence should be cause to cease play.
Understand your level of play. Electrical play is edge play, and there are violetwand techniques that carry more risk than others. Opinions on acceptable risk also vary due to experience, knowledge and your partner.
A little common sense goes a long way, and as with all toys, its important to educate yourself in their use, problems and effects.
